My Feeling Are Kinda A Song
by suicide-greeting
Summary: “you act like a tortured soul,” he said bluntly.She looked back up at up at him and said coolly “maybe I am.”
1. Trapt

Hermione sat in the car watching the scenery go by as the train zoomed on toward  
  
Hogwarts. She had managed to avoid Harry and Ron so far that morning. She had  
  
received stares as she had walked down the platform. Maybe it was because of her  
  
Head Girl badge, or maybe because of the rings under her eyes, or her plain black  
  
and white clothes, or her straightened hair, or maybe the extra long pants to cover  
  
the visible bruises that should have never been made, or her skinny, bony body, or  
  
maybe the lack of parents by her side, or maybe it was the blank face that she  
  
wore. Whatever it was she had ended up in a dark compartment shared only with  
  
a very quite Luna Lovegood.  
  
Hermione could tell that Luna was staring at her, but at the moment she didn't  
  
care. At least Luna wasn't trying to start a conversation. She took out her notebook and  
  
CD player and shifted uncomfortably in the seat. The CD she choose was her new  
  
Blink182. She took out a quill and started writing in her spiral named 'Midnight  
  
Melodies'. She had been doing this a lot, writing I mean. She wrote songs and poems in  
  
quantities that was unbelievable. She already had 3 spirals filled to the max.  
  
Cradle the darkness My new home  
  
A forgotten child swings in invisible memories

Watches as they smile at her misery

That can't notice her

They don't want to  
  
She's a forbidden child

Never meant to be born

Never wanted  
  
She never held sanity

Not in her dreams

Her tears drop like rain

Thought to only be natural

Never concerned at what it might become  
  
Locked away

She kills slowly her pain

She writes away

Empting her mind

'Til she is but an empty shell  
  
Never speaks

One friend, her mind  
  
All is her enemy

No one cares much

A single cell she lives in

The key rusted

Her guards forgotten

She can't get out  
  
How fragile her bones

How weak her mind

She's immortal

Never died  
  
She tries to die

Her silver blade, her other friend

Her only possession

Caresses her skin

Splits her veins

And sets free her blood

But she is not allowed to die

It is her punishment

Her curse

A veil is raised over their eyes

To forget her

To remember nothing vile,

Nothing bad Nothing sad

That is her job

A transfer of pain

She feels every tree fall

Hears every girl scream

Tastes every bad thought

Smells everyone decay

Flinches as every father hits every son  
  
To have a lifetime

But never live

Darkness has already meet her

And corrupted her  
  
She looked out the window again, unconsciously rubbing her wrists that were covered in black

and white bracelets. Luna seemed to notice the behavior but decided to ignore it. Black and

white, that how she was now. There was no room in the world for gray, she had decided. She

had changed over the summer, she knew, mature, depressed, detached, hurt. She didn't care

about grades. She didn't even look at her badge unless it was necessary. She had started eating

a little less everyday, not anorexic or maybe she was but who cared?

It had been raining all day, which pleased her. She had always had loved the rain. The rain 

was only getting harder, pounding like an annoying headache. She always seemed to have one.

Her summer had been tough, like none of the others have been, yeah right. She hadn't had a

mother since the end of 5th year. It was sad that she still didn't know how her mother had died.

No one would tell her. All she knew was that when she got home from Hogwarts, her mother

was in a coffin six feet under.

But she did have suspects. Yes, she had thoughts of how the death had occurred. She 

didn't know whether it was by murder or illness, no one told her anything. Her mother hadn't

been sick when she left. All her theories always pointed back to one person, her father. Ah yes,

her father. The bruises still burned in agony. The cuts still bleed slightly. Her father always

had...creative ways of abuse. Burning, cutting, hitting, belting, you name it and he had done it.

He had done everything but kill her. She was happy to leave her home, but she still didn't want

to go to Hogwarts.

Hermione had changed. She couldn't wholly understand what she was inside anymore. 

Depression had swept over her like a tidal wave. It was over-whelming. her emotions clashed

into crude songs. She remembered the first one. It was sad although all were.  
  
Sunflowers painted on my bedroom wall

Covered by posters of my rebellion  
  
The scent of a little girl

Now smells strangely of black and white

The colors that caress my skin  
  
A picture of a little 5- year old me

Stares at me from a stand

Torn in half I need to move on  
  
Sweet unicorns and ponies

Suffocated by paint

No pink in my sight, No dandelions  
  
No kid cartoons on the TV

No immature cd's in my walkman

No innocent kisses

No frill and lace

Say goodbye to the little girl

Waiting on the corner for her mommy  
  
Cos she's not waiting no more

There's no more mommy

On her own, by choice or not

She shakes her hips

Welcome to my revolution

She heard the compartment door open to show a grumpy looking Malfoy. Her looked at her

and stepped forward. She saw Luna visibly tense, making Draco smile. Draco soon turned his

attention to hermione that still had her spiral out.

"Doing homework already, Granger?" she looked up at him and glared, finally deciding to 

flick him off. He looked at her in shock but clearly wasn't offended.

"We don't want to be doing that kind of thing now that we are Head Boy and Girl now do 

we?' he said with a smirk. Hermione then noticed his badge and mentally slapped herself. This

was going to be a great year rolls eyes. She just shrugged and continued writing.

"We need to go see Professor McGonagall right now. Later we need to share a 

compartment to discuss school events," he said, adding to Luna, "you better be gone by the time

we get back." Luna nodded vigorously. Hermione gathered her stuff into her backpack and

heaved it over her shoulder. When she was done she looked up and noticed that Draco had

been checking her out. She ignored it and walked past him and went to the teacher's

compartment, all without talking to him the whole time.


	2. Changes

The talk with the professors took longer than Hermione was expecting. They had been staring at

her strangely the whole time. It creeped her out. The whole time she had just wanted to scream

out that this whole thing wouldn't work between her and Draco. How could it work between

them? Even just to plan a couple stupid festivals. But she hadn't said anything. It was her fault

anyway, she was the one who said that things couldn't get any worse and she knew that she had

just been BEGGING for disaster. She settled back into the compartment. It looked like Luna

had cleared out a long time a go. She once again took out her headphones and notebook, along

with a quill. She noticed Draco sit across from her, arms crossed, but she ignored him. She

knew he was staring at her. She could feel it and he wasn't even trying to hide it. She looked

down at what she had already written

_**Sometimes I cry louder than I can believe **_

_**Salty tears cover me**_

_**But it never comes alone, no **_

_**It's followed by **_

_**My own lullaby **_

_**As I fall asleep at night **_

_**I sing my lullaby **_

_**Though it's not sweet **_

_**It's just------**_  
  
Hermione stopped writing. His eyes were boring into her and she just couldn't stand it anymore.

She took off her headphones and looked up at him, looking deep into his eyes, waiting. He

seemed to be reading her, or trying to. He was undressing her, trying to see her core that she

worked so hard to hide. She glared at him, putting up the barriers. She couldn't let him see her,

not ever. (A/n this is a sentence that will brought up again in other chapters so remember it!)

"What happened to you, Granger?" Draco asked as he leaned forward on his knees, still looking at into her eyes.

"What do you mean?" she said bored, looking down from him, although she knew exactly what he meant.

"You act like a tortured soul," he said bluntly.

She looked back up at up at him and said coolly "maybe I am."

He looked at her in disgust.

"You don't know the word torture, Little Miss Perfect!" he said standing up.

"You don't know anything about me, you git!" she too stood up, almost threatening.

"You come here acting all tough and cool, wearing all black and white. What are you, trying to be punk or something?"

"I'm not trying anything. What do you know? Books aren't my life and maybe I just don't like color anymore. Maybe I think it's pointless."

He blinked at her. The Hermione he knew would never say something like that, especially saying

that books were worthless. He quickly recovered but Hermione had seen the affect it had on

him and she smiled at the thought of surprising a Malfoy. But she was getting bored anyway and

turned back to her notebook to continue where she left off. The rest of the trip was in pure

silence except for the noise form her headphones, but every once in a while Hermione looked

up, only to see fierce gray eyes studying her.

This really annoyed her. Why would he be staring at her? She was covered in cloth from head to

toe practically and her hair was tainted black and swept straight down like a suicide jump. She didn't

think she looked terribly attractive, or at least enough to catch Malfoy's attention but there he

was, eyes unwavering.

The train came to a smooth halt and hermione slowly got up, gathering

her stuff. She was suddenly very tired again. She staggered to stand and gathered all her

remaining strength to stay on her feet. Her world was blacking out. She could see Draco across

the way holding his owl as he checked for all his belongings. Hermione fell sideways, against the

window, hand steadying her slightly, her eyes going in and out of focus. She felt like throwing up

and she clutched her stomach with her other hand. Draco's owl hooted loudly ruffling his

feathers in Hermione's direction. Turning Draco noticed Hermione. Her eyes were glazed over

and she was clutching desperately to herself, trying to stay upright. She wavered again and fell.

Draco's arms wrapped around Hermione's thin waist, and kept her from falling. Her head shot

up and looked at him. Her eyes turned to ice, filled with anger.

"Don't touch me!" she spat pushing him away, she quickly muttered a spell, shrinking her trunk and cat and left the compartment at a sprint.

Draco stood there dumbfounded for once in his life, wondering why she had seemed so

embarrassed, what was she hiding? He heard a thump outside the door and quickly hurried out.

He found Hermione sprawled out on the floor, unconscious. He picked her up and hurried to

find any teacher that could help.

Draco sat in the hospital wing, angry. He was missing the

sorting ceremony all because of Granger. What did she do to herself anyway? He growled

thinking that he should have just left her.

"Don't worry Mr. Malfoy. It was just dehydration. It looks as though she hasn't eaten in days.

This is very serious but we have managed to fix it for now. She should be in your common

room by this evening," the nurse said before leaving.

Draco had almost forgotten that they shared a common room. Great.

But still Draco thought back to what had been haunting him the whole time. It was the feeling of

bones when he caught her. There was no fat or anything. What was Granger doing to herself?


	3. Colors

Hermione walked out of the hospital wing feeling a lot better. She hated when she was weak

and what she hated more was the fact that she had passed out and evidentially Malfoy had

carried her to the hospital. The good thing was that the nurse had said that no one else was there

when it happened. She had also given Hermione a big lecture on eating more. She said that it

was unhealthy. She had also asked if there was anything Hermione wanted to tell her. Guess the

answer. No.  
  
The problem was that there were PLENTY of things she needed to talk about. Her life

was quickly spinning out of control and there was nothing she could do about it. But there was

nothing she could talk to any teacher about. Her friends didn't help much. Most of the time

Ginny was to busy drooling over Harry, which was REALLY annoying. Harry was to focused

on girls other than herself, and had no time for her, unless she suddenly became Cho Chang or a

broomstick, and neither seemed very likely. And Ron was mostly sticking to family stuff. Home

sweet home. Hermione found herself once again wishing she had this. It would be like her

dreams come true to live permanently in the Burrow. At least she would have someone who

loved her.  
  
She started towards the Great hall before noticing the time. The ceremony would already

be over. That was okay, she wasn't that hungry. As soon as she thought that an image of the

nurse's angry face filled her vision. Okay so maybe she would eat later, but not now. She turned

and headed towards Gryffindor. But of course she remembered again that she had a new

common room. With Malfoy. Great. Hermione turned to go back down the stairs when she

heard someone shout her name. Her shoulders visibly tensed up.  
  
'Perfect,' she thought 'Just what I need.'  
  
She turned around, filled with dread and waited for Ron to catch up, but he wasn't alone.

Ginny and Harry followed. Hermione continued to walk, deciding not to talk to them. She

wasn't in the mood today, not now. Ron grabbed her shoulder turning her to face them. Almost

immediately his hand dropped in shock.  
  
"Bloody hell, Hermione. What did you do to yourself?"  
  
"What Ron means Hermione is that the school said you changed but, we didn't know it was THIS bad." Ginny said quickly.  
  
"What do you mean bad? I like this change and I'm not changing back," Hermione said calmly although she was brimming on an angry outburst.  
  
"Do you have ANY color in your wardrobe?"  
  
"RON SHUT UP! YOU ARE MAKING IT WORSE!" Ginny said yelling at her brother.  
  
"Well if we're going to fight about something that shouldn't be a problem at all, I'm leaving because I am tried and I still have to find my new common room. So if you'll excuse."  
  
But Harry held her back. She turned on him angrily, wondering what he wanted now.  
  
"Um... Hermione I was just wondering if you're okay, 'cause I heard that you fainted on the train and had to go to the hospital wing and then you weren't at dinner and---"  
  
Hermione cut him off, "I'm FINE Harry."  
  
"Draco didn't do anything to you did he? We just started school and already you're spending an awful lot of time with him."  
  
"No, and well, we have to spend time together. I'm head girl ya know? And anyway, I've changed. I'm not who I used to be and it's time you saw that."  
  
The words stung and she knew it but seeing a chance to escape she took it. Running she headed

to where she slightly remembered the Professors said the common room would be. Looking

back she saw Harry still standing there, looking like his best friend had just died.

In a way, she had.  
  
Edited by,

Wine and vanilla, Drusilla W.L.Tonks-Snape


	4. Mute

Hermione ran towards the common room. She felt tears bridging up in her eyes. But no, the new

Hermione didn't cry. She didn't love. She didn't feel. She kept running until she saw Malfoy

ahead. She slowed down and a little and swallowed hard, hoping to find courage and to push

down her tears.

He looked towards her, surprised. He was still holding the portrait open from the common

room. He watched as she ran past him and into the room muttering a quiet 'thank you.' He just

blinked dumbly, closing the door and heading off to his old common room, Slytherin.

Hermione quickly ran up to what she assumed to be her room. She changed from her robes in

her pajamas. They were just a tank top and boxers. She noticed that they showed her secrets,

her bruises, but at the moment she didn't care. She levitated her cd player to her, cradling it like

a baby. She turned to her case, picking her favorite song. She blasted the song loud, not caring

for once. She blasted the song singing along, finally letting the tears fall, realizing how much this

song fit her and how much truer it might become.

_**She walks to school with the lunch she packed,  
Nobody knows what she's holdin' back,  
Wearin' the same dress she wore yesterday,  
She hides the bruises with linen and lace.  
  
The teacher wonders but she doesn't ask,  
It's hard to see the pain behind the mask,  
Bearing the burden of a secret storm,  
Sometimes she wishes she was never born.Through the wind and the rain,  
She stands hard as a stone,  
In a world that she can't rise above,  
But her dreams give her wings,  
And she flies to a place where she's loved,  
Concrete angel.  
  
Somebody cries in the middle of the night,  
the neighbors hear, but they turn out the lights,  
a fragile soul caught in the hands of fate,  
when morning comes it'll be too late.  
  
Through the wind and the rain,  
She stands hard as a stone,  
In a world that she can't rise above,  
But her dreams give her wings,  
And she flies to a place where she's loved,  
Concrete angel.  
A statue stands in a shaded place,  
an angel girl with an upturned face,  
a name is written on a polished rock,  
a broken heart that the world forgot.  
  
Through the wind and the rain,  
She stands hard as a stone,  
In a world that she can't rise above,  
But her dreams give her wings,  
And she flies to a place where she's loved,  
Concrete angel.  
**_

She felt like tears were drowning her by the end. Her throat hurt from the effort. Hermione had

to admit she didn't sing to bad, almost good. Behind her she heard clapping. She wielded

around, terrified. She saw Malfoy there, smiling smugly. She opened her mouth but nothing

came out. She wondered how he got in. she made a note to herself to make a password on the

door.

"I didn't know you could sing and what magnificent singing it is."

"Leave me alone, Malfoy."

He ignored her and started to circle her, she stood still, feeling his eyes scan her.

"It seems the mudblood does have weaknesses, doesn't it?"

"Get out of my chamber Malfoy," she seethed but he continued to ignore her.

"You know, I could use this to my advantage."

She pointed her wand at him but he didn't budge.

"You wouldn't do anything."

"Really? With the way things are going wizard prison would be a comfort."

He stared at her, surprised once again. How could she have the guts to say that? And why did

he eyes not deceive her...did she really mean it?

He left and Hermione collapsed on the floor. He had seen her, heard her. And she knew that it

would never happen again.

Draco watched secretly from the hallway wondering if this had always been how she was or had

she changed? He noticed the change of skin color, slowly fading. he knew what it meant but he

dismissed it. Anyway everything was in a brand new light.


End file.
